Everything we do, however we react we have learned. Sometimes we take years to acquire the skill, but once we have refined it we use it when ever the right triggers are given. I sat on the train the other day and watched as a beautiful woman screwed up her face whilst in deep thought; her facial features contorted as if in pain she considered whatever it was on her mind and then opening her eyes she shrugged and looked out the window. Another person had been holding their shoulder in tension for so long it appeared to be permanently held in that position even though it was placing unnecessary strain upon his spine and hips. We all do it, to a lesser or greater extent, these learned ticks we develop, as an outward sign of internal processing.
So what ‘ticks’ do we have in our minds?
The ones that have grown up with us which facilitate certain thought processes; the ones we may have put in place when we were very young and because they appear to work we have never updated?
Imagine then, a person who is terrified of failing, imagine this person has been learning this skill for many years and has now perfected it to be triggered when ever they feel they are being put into a position where they might fail. How do they react, what are the learned behaviours which have been successful up until now which have kept the fear at arms length?
Whilst teaching I came across many children who were learning these skills and if we were able to get to them before they refined the skill, we could avert its inception. A child I remember would get really difficult and argumentative when ever she felt threatened by a piece of new work. It would lead her out of her known comfort zone and take her into that realm where she might not know the answer; the real issue here.
After a while it became apparent I had to provide her with skills which meant she could take that step with confidence and tackle new pieces of work without the over-whelming sensation of failure before she began.
Another would start the new piece of work then throw the book shouting and screaming it was stupid, pathetic and he wasn’t doing it. In my head my answer was ‘so its difficult is it and you are stuck, ok, let me help you find the way through.’
In both cases they were learning strategies for not doing something because of the fear of failure.
Stop and think for a moment; if you were worried by the prospect of new things and getting them wrong, what behaviours have you learned so as to support yourself in finding the correct excuses not to do it?
Children struggle with many things; let’s face it, for them, many of the skills they tackle are for the first time and being true sponges everything they watch, everything they hear and everything the do, they believe in with a conviction, which, in some cases can be un-shakeable. So let’s take this a step further.
A mum learnt when she was young to recoil and panic when ever she saw a spider. The little sponge alongside her absorbs that behaviour and learns, by modelling mum, to do exactly the same thing. Watching a child learn a new phobia is always interesting because they take on the person they are modelling’s actions and check they have it right by stopping and observing. They haven’t initially imported the feelings which go with the movement that comes later. Eventually they get the skill right in their eyes and develop the phobia in their own style.
Clever huh?
OK, so let’s think about another skill they could learn; how about shouting. If a child grows in a home where it is usual to shout at your partner then guess what they presume is normal—yes, shouting at your partner and they will go out of their way to find someone suitable to shout at and wonder why they are no happier than their parents.
What I am saying is two fold here,
• What you model when you are a child becomes the building blocks of what you use when you are an adult.
• How you react in a situation, whether it be emotional or physical, you have spent time learning how to do and as a consequence it can be broken as well as encouraged.
• It is our choice whether we maintain the ‘skill’ or not and our excuses of why we do things are the very stories we use to justify it.
• People can develop almost heart stopping pain to avoid doing something they really felt threatened by and end up on various medications as a consequence.
• Pain and suffering does not always mean there is a physical basis to it, the body may just have created the pain/illness as an outward sign of a mental pain.
• Placebo medicines in this area are very successful at alleviating the medical condition but not the under lying cause.
So returning to the original question; think about a habitual response to a given situation you have which irritates you now and you would like to start reviewing its necessity. Answer these questions as fully as you can and watch how the process you have used up until now begins to change. If the stories are very convincing (both to you and your audience) you may have to work on these first;
What skill are you thinking of which you would love to change your response to?
How did you learn it, and when did it start?
• What is it that this behaviour is protecting you from? (Remember this is probably something which happened when you were young so needs to be thought about through the eyes of the child not the eyes of the adult.)
• What did you have to do to learn the responses you gave and how successful were they at avoiding what it was you wished to avoid?
• How long did it take to become good at avoiding the issue?
• When did you refine this skill and how long have you spent nurturing it to this state of excellence that it happens automatically?
• What stories do you tell to justify the skill? Do they justify it and how? What set of excuses have you created?
• How do they make you feel?
• What is it you gain from still running the skill?
• Do you wish it to continue in its present form or do you want to change it?
• What have you learned about yourself from this experience that can support you in finding new strategies for coping in those situations?
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